Dear Tova,
I don’t usually write blog posts in response to others’ posts. But yours really pissed me off. So here goes. I have two words for you: Don’t Judge. (Just kidding, have I ever just had two words? I have a lot of words for you.)
In your cutsie post on Kveller last week, you wrote the super sappy post about this obviously oblivious father who totally ignored his two daughters in Starbucks. He was engrossed in his iphone and therefore couldn’t notice their demand for attention. You said that you, “tried not to judge” this father, but you went forward with plenty of words judging him harshly for being “indifferent” to his children and for “falling short of fulfilling [his children’s] emotional needs”. You feign understanding the situations that make parents act less-than, admitting that sometimes even you are “cranky before coffee”.
But you, in the most holier-than-thou tone, say that you never succumb to the pressures of life to the detriment of your kids. Even though sometimes your interest in them is “feigned,” …. “at least it is there.” What? Really? Always? What are you, nuts? You even go so far to say that meeting your children’s needs is never “tiresome”. Really? Always? Give me a break!
A few points:
- Don’t pretend to be un-judgemental when you are doing EXACTLY what constitutes judging. You looked at a man, with NO IDEA what is really going on in his life, and decided that his behavior was inappropriate. You JUDGED that he obviously cared about his phone more than his kids.
Well, let me tell you something…. there are lots of times that something happening on a phone might actually be more important than watching my children. (I know, shock of all shock.) For example, my husband travels for work internationally a lot. There are days that we only have a brief (a few minute) window to talk. And sometimes it is less than every day. And guess what? Those windows don’t come conveniently. Sometimes, it even happens when I’m in line at Starbucks. And you know what? Want to hear some heresy? Talking to my husband for a few minutes IS more important than looking at my kids at that moment. Because a healthy parenting partnerships is ALSO good for kids. Here’s another scenario: perhaps this man in line was in the middle of a business deal. He agreed to take his kids to Starbucks, but then something happened. He caught a glimpse of a message that meant that the deal of his life was in the works. This deal could provide for his kids. And if he didn’t respond soon, he wouldn’t be able to buy the next Starbucks drink or even put food on the table. Should that take priority? I believe, You betcha!
- Also, when did our children have to become THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT ALL TIMES? Um, no. My child is truly a light in my life. I really feel that. He’s wonderful. And he needs me. But you know what? He also has to learn that there are instances where he does not come first. There are times when he needs to learn the all-important skill of self-amusement. And that is something that will serve him well. If he masters this skill, he’ll never be bored. He won’t always need my attention. He will be able to serve others because he will understand that his own needs are not ALWAYS primary. If he learns that he is loved and sometimes that love comes in the form of his parents doing other things, this too will serve him well.
- Parents are under a lot of freakin stress. Those of us lucky enough to be in partnered parenting arrangements (how solo parents do it, I have NO IDEA), are trying to be the best parents, best partners, best humans we can be. This means working hard, loving hard, being emotionally available, etc. And you know what? Some of these priorities are in conflict. We working moms are told over and over that having careers is good for our kids. If we are fulfilled by our work, we can be happier moms (read: parents). And having enough money to feed, clothe, house our kids… is also good for them. And sometimes the pursuit of those careers run us straight on into a conflict with our emotionally-demanding children. We try the best we can to love, give laptime, read, sing, and do everything a good parent should do, and it still isn’t enough. The last thing we (stressed parents) need is someone judging us over and over about how we aren’t perfect enough.
So next time… have a little rachmanus on the guy in line. He might be a jerk. Or he might just be doing the best he can.
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